Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Today's Moment of Awkward: Lube Overdose

The idea for today's moment of awkward came from my friend Kyla who writes for the blog Once A Month 4 Ladies.  Check it out at: http://onceamonth4ladies.com

I had a roommate in college who... how shall I say this... I was not overly fond of.  I was even more not overly fond of her boyfriend.  There was nothing wrong with him, per se, but he lived in New Jersey and would come into the city on the weekends and the two of them would literally never leave her bed.  They would lay in the dark, all day long, and watch TV.  And smell weird.  They always smelled weird.  I could actually tell when he was around by the smell.  Gross.

This roommate, let's call her Bertha, always had an abundance of lube.  There was a giant bottle on her bedside table, there was another smaller bottle on her desk, another on her dresser and one in the bathroom.  Several months went by before my curiosity got the better of me.  Finally I couldn't take it anymore.

Me: Weird question, but... why do you have so much lube?

Bertha:  I stocked up at Costco.  I just use so much of it.

I'm already sorry I asked, but then again, what did I expect.

Bertha:  Feel free to use some if you need any.

I threw up a little in my mouth at that, but tried not to let it show.

Me:  Oh, um, thanks, but I don't really use lube, so.... I'm good.

Bertha:  Oh, I guess you've never had sex with anyone with as large a penis as my boyfriend has.

Okay, now I should have just let the conversation end there.  I should have swallowed my pride, and my vomit, and gone back to studying or facebooking or I don't know, anything, because even if I was sticking pins under my nails it couldn't have been worse than this conversation.  But for some reason I couldn't.  I couldn't let her imply that her scrawny, stinky boyfriend was more well endowed than anyone I'd dated.

Me:  Umm, I mean my high school boyfriend was six foot six, so...

Bertha:  Well, men aren't always proportional.

Why?  Why is this happening?  Why can't I just stop myself???

Me: Oh he was proportional!  Maybe you just have an abnormally dry vagina.

Did I seriously just say that?  DID I SERIOUSLY JUST INSULTS SOMEONE'S VAGINA??


Yes.  Yes, I did.


Our relationship was never the same after that.  But she put most of the lube away.



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