Today's Moment of Awkward: Massage Rape

I'm in a spa, on a massage table, totally naked, and a somewhat unhappy Russian woman is about to give me a massage.  For some reason I feel the need to impress her.  Okay, I'll admit it, I'm at Burke Williams, and when I'm at Burke Williams they always make me feel guilty for not coming to Burke Williams more often.  "You're shoulders are so tight, you really should get a massage at least twice a month.  Also you should probably get this hunchback checked out, Quasimodo."  So, as in most of my encounters, I feel the need to lie.  The problem here is, I apparently have no idea what answer this gruff Russian woman wants.  It's like I'm being interrogated with soothing music and gentle caresses.

Angry Russian Woman: When was the last time you had a massage?

Me: Umm, probably like two months.  (This is a lie, it's been at least a year.  I'm not made of money, or Burke Williams gift certificates.)

ARW: Good.

Okay, this comes as a surprise.  Usually they tell me two months is much too long.

ARW: Do you exercise?

Me: Oh yes, I exercise everyday.  (Maybe twice a week).

ARW: Do you do yoga?

Me: Yes!  (Kind of...)

ARW:  Hmph.  That is bad.

I'm really struggling here to make this woman proud of me and I'm getting nothing in return.

ARW:  When was the last time you saw a chiropractor?

Me:  Yesterday.  Tomorrow.  (By now I'm totally flustered, so I go with the truth.)  I have never seen a chiropractor.

ARW:  Hmmm.  That is good.

WHAT??  For the rest of the massage I listen to every sigh, every grunt of dissatisfaction, every openly judgmental mumble.  What does this woman want from me?  There is something not at all relaxing about being judged by a ex-KGB officer.

To make this spa visit even more awkward, I'm in the dressing room and another woman touches me while I'm completely naked.  Not in like a "point out on this doll where she touched you" kind of way, she just grabbed by arm as I was getting dressed.  But regardless, you are not allowed to touch anyone is a communal dressing room, especially when they are completely naked.  I almost screamed RAPE at the top of my lungs.

It turns out the reason for the inappropriate touch was so that she could ask me about a tattoo on my ribcage.

Touchy Woman:  I'm getting a tattoo today and that's where I want to get it but they told me it's the most painful place to get a tattoo.  How was it?

Me:  How well do you handle pain?

TW:  I used to be a professional female fighter.

Me:  RAPE

I think I may be too awkward for the spa.