Life Lesson Learned: I Am Not A Prima Ballerina

I would like to start this out with something that sounds pretty vain: I have a dancers body.  Now let me clarify. I have the body of a dancer who gave up on her dream of dancing at least ten years ago and has since let herself go.  But at one point, probably around age 14, I had a dancer's body.  And to me that means I am secretly a prima ballerina trapped inside the mind of a total klutz.  That is why there were several years where whenever I got bored I would try to give off the vibe that I was a ballerina until someone asked about it.  That sounds super weird, but in reality it was super duper weird.

Freshman year of college we had to help out for a certain amount of hours on Junior and Senior films.  Since I had no technical skills yet this meant that I mostly carried stuff and then stood around.  So I pretended to be a ballerina.  Whenever I was just standing around I would do it in second position.  Sometimes I would put my foot on my leg, kind of like Tree pose in Yoga.  Do ballerinas even do that?  Who knows.  Finally one of the upperclassmen asked me if I was a dancer.

Me: What?  No.  HAHAHA.  Why would you think that?  WHY?

Upperclassman:  Ummmmm....

So when I heard that a ballet style workout class was becoming popular I had to try it.  In LA Cardio Barre is to the 2010s what Jazzersize was to... when was jazzersize?  was it even a real thing?  Anyway...  there was a groupon deal for ten classes, so of course I snatched it up.  Now I can have pretty good posture when I want to but my hand-eye-coordination and ability to remember choreography are nonexistent.  Most people who have taken a Cardio Barre class would say "That's fine Jessie, you don't need really need those skills for Cardio Barre".  To those people I say "You have underestimated my lack of skills".  Even after five classes I was consistently a beat behind everyone when they changed positions.  Still, in my mind at least, I was rocking it.  I was somehow sure the people next to me were like "This girl must have a background in dance."  It turns out they were not.

There was an older lady, probably in her 50s or 60s next to me, and in all reality she probably did have a background in dace.  (Bitch.)  And so throughout the entire class she decided it was her job to teach me what I was doing wrong.  (Bitch.)  Now I'm sure she had the best intentions (bitch) but she came off as a total bitch (bitch).

Old Dancer:  You should straighten your leg more.

Me: (silent hatred)

Old Dancer:  You're arching your back too much.

Me: (silent hatred)

At one point she started touching me and trying to realign my body.  DO NOT TOUCH ME!  YOU ARE NOT THE TEACHER, is what I screamed inside my head.  Outwardly I forced a smile and a seriously passive aggressive "thank you".

After 60 minutes of this class was over and I was ready to kill somebody.  I tried to make a quick getaway without eye contact, but the old dancer foiled that plan.  She tapped me on the shoulder.  I only didn't punch her because she's old and also because I don't know how to punch.

Old Dancer:  I'm sorry if I was being intrusive.

Me:  Yeah, I mean, you're not the teacher, so...

Old Dancer looked PISSED.

Old Dancer:  Well no, but I take this class a lot.

Me: Then why are you still in Beginner?

Old Dancer: (hmph)  I was just trying to help.

Now Old Dancer looks on the verge of tears.  I'm beginning to wish I had punched her instead.  How did I turn into the bad guy here?  What if this is all she has in her life?  Correcting people at Cardio Barre is the only way she can feel superior at something.  And now I've ruined it.

Life lesson learned: I am not a prima ballerina.