Life Lesson Learned: Never Have Your Bachelorette Party The Day Before The Wedding

If only "The Hangover" had come out yet, perhaps my friend Kumquat (the same Kumquat from the Chlamydia story, she didn't really die, and she did get married, but not to Santiago) would have realized what a bad idea it is to have the bachelorette party the night before the wedding.  

A few years after high school Kumquat met her future husband and moved to Palm Springs, which is where they had their wedding.  Since I conveniently lived in LA I was invited to the Bachelorette part and I considered going... until I got a new job and couldn't take the time off.  If I believed in fate this is when I would have realized that fate fucking loves me.

Two of my high school friends flew in to LA and I met up with them to drive to Palm Springs.  We hadn't heard from Kumquat in a while so halfway there we started texting her, asking for the address of the hotel, etc.  No response.  But brides are busy, that's to be expected right?  We found the hotel, checked in, and were really starting to worry when we finally got a response.  From her sister.  "Kumquat has been in accident.  She's fine.  See you at the wedding."

It turns out Kumquat's sister's definition of fine was very different from mine.  Here's the real story:

Kumquat had rented a party bus for her bachelorette party.  The plan was for everyone to get on the bus at 6pm (seriously?  6pm?!  why not just start at 3 and be back in time for the early bird dinner?  these girls really know how to party.) drive around for a little while and party on the bus, then do a pub crawl.  That plan didn't really work out because at 6:30pm the party bus was rear-ended by a 16-wheeler truck.  One of the girls broke the stripper pole with her face.  Try explaining that injury to your parents, or your friends, or a stranger at the bank.  It's not easy, I've tried.  Another girl was hit in the head by a fallen TV monitor.    Kumquat, however, got it worst.  She was propelled face first into the seat in front of her.  She broke her jaw in 14 places.  The night before her wedding.

There's more to this story.  The poor girl's face was swollen for the wedding, she couldn't eat anything and she was on painkillers the whole time.  That weekend there was also a lot of drama between my high school friends and we ended up not talking for a long time after that.  But I think the lesson is learned: NEVER EVER EVER HAVE YOUR BACHELORETTE PARTY THE NIGHT BEFORE THE WEDDING.