Somebody Else's Awkward: "I Ran Over a Human Person Outside of That Club."

I used to work at a company where the only times the executives and the assistants socialized was on birthdays.  It was sort of a tradition that if it was an assistant's birthday their boss would have a few drinks and slices of cake with the bottom dwellers (I of course was the very bottom of the dwellers).  And for some reason the boss would then inevitably, very awkwardly, reveal some personal story about themselves.  One moment stands out:

An executive named Rutabaga* (I'm really bad at coming up with fake names) was having a drink with us on her assistant's b-day when she revealed something very shocking.  Someone mentioned a club they'd recently been to and her immediate response was: "I ran over a human person outside of that club."  Shocked silence.  First off, what is a human person??  Second off... what is a human person??  Is there a person that is not human?  Or a human that is not a person?  What are the other options other than a human person?!?

She went on to explain that she'd had two margarita's and while she claimed she was totally fine to drive she was worried that a breathalyzer might disagree.  Did I mention she's not a US citizen?  She'd been in LA for 10+ years on a work permit, and I'm not totally sure how those things work, but apparently they can kick you out at any time because she said her first thought was... Deportation.  Let's examine that for a second.  Her immediate thought was not "IS THAT HUMAN PERSON OKAY???"  It was "Shit, I hope I don't get deported."  She followed this up with: "After fifteen minutes someone finally came to see if I was okay."  If I stop to analyze that sentence we could be here all day.  But I couldn't help but interject at this point: "What happened to the person you ran over?  The... human person?"  Rutabaga: "Oh, he was just lying in the street."  Okay, glad we cleared that up.  No need to worry about the POSSIBLY DEAD MAN IN THE STREET.  I mean not when your residency is at risk!!  No one was really sure what to say next, but Rutabaga assured us that he eventually stood up and, while he seemed a little woozy, he was definitely alive.  Some witnesses tried to call the cops, but the human person stopped them.  Rutabega:  "I was sooo lucky.  It turns out he was an illegal!"  Then she finished her drink, stood up and said:  "Well, nice talking to you guys.  Happy birthday.  I have dinner plans."

*I've always wanted to use one of these asterisks at the bottom of a page.