There is literally nothing more awkward in the entire world than talking to your parents about sex. Or even being around them when someone else is talking about sex. Or even just thinking about the word sex when they're in the same room. I don't even like to watch a movie with my parents where they imply two characters might have sex. It is the holy grail of awkward. Which brings me to my Dad's 50th birthday party.
I was 13 at the time and I had no interest in going to my Dad's all adult birthday party, but my parents insisted. I was right all along, I had absolutely no business being there, because the theme, it turned out, was sex. It was set up sort of as a roast, with friends of his telling stories about my Dad. Mostly about my Dad and sex. My dad had a friend who was a Mark Twain impersonator (I didn't realize how weird that was at the time) and his speech was especially dirty. It seems Mark Twain was kind of a perv. Then they all showered him with sex toys. I kid you not.
The crowning glory was the entrance of The Tootsie Twins. There was a joke in my house when I was a kid that anytime my mom answered the phone and the person on the other line hung up it was one of The Tootsie Twins. Looking back I realize the implication is that my dad was having an affair with a set of twins who would call the house and then hang up if my mother answered (I didn't realize how weird that was at the time either). No wonder I'm so awkward. As I cowered in my seat, disgusted and disturbed, two escorts strolled into the room and took turns sitting on my father's lap. I don't know much about escorts, but if 80s movies have taught me anything it's that there are fancy, high-class escorts and then there are not fancy escorts. These were the not fancy kind. They were most likely born in a communist country and had only recently come to the land of dreams/dentistry. Watching Tootsies #1 and #2 take turns giving my dad lap dances I realized I would never again see life the same way.
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